Be Prepared

It was heart aching watching Ma carried out the instructions of her doctor during her Parkinson's Disease review. 

Her index finger moved in a slow motion from her nose to her doctor's index finger. 

It looked almost a replica of that famous scene in the movie E.T.

About a year ago, Ma couldn't walk overnight. Ma has a very high threshold for pain. The pain must have been unimaginable for her to shed tears.

Ma suffered from leg and shoulder pain for some years before this incident. Sometimes, she would complain of weakness in her legs too. Though this was mentioned frequently to her doctors at her reviews, they generally put it down to degeneration due to old age and did not go further other than prescribing painkillers. 

We sent Ma to Mount Alvernia Hospital after deliberating between private and public hospital. Our first option was to the public hospital as we were worried about the medical expenses, but no one in the family had the heart to put Ma through the wait and queue. We did our sums quickly and did what we thought was the best for her. 

The lumbar spine has five vertebrae which are abbreviated as L1 through L5. After Ma's MRI, we were advised (in layman terms) that Ma's nerves were compressed at L4 and L5, therefore the severe pain. 

Within a week, Ma was admitted and operated on. We were lucky to have found Dr Tan Siah Heng, James. Dr Tan performed a laminectomy for Ma successfully. Thankfully, Ma did not need screws to stabilise her spine. 

Dr Tan has a lot of empathy for our situation as a middle-income family. We could not have asked for a better doctor. It’s not easy to find a doctor who treats patients with dignity. 

A lot of people feel the sick needs pitying. But, no, what is needed is compassion, not pitying. Pitying takes away one's dignity, but compassion allows one to feel for the sick with the dignity that they still deserved.

It's very difficult to sugarcoat Ma's recovery process, especially with her Parkinson's Disease. C'est la vie. 

Tearing was easy during the over-a-month intensive caring period, especially with Ma slipping into mild depression post surgery. Crying was a norm in the house. 

Things had gotten so tiring that my tear ducts were triggered constantly. TV dialogues, newspapers articles, old photographs, elderly tissue-sellers, babies. Even fighting scenes.

Being the only one who worked from home, I shared the caring duties with sis. She woke up early to change Ma's diapers, prepared her for the day and put her to bed when she was back from work. I took on the day shift; looking after her medication feeds, preparing her meals, helping her with her toilet visits, naps and shower. 

Like what people always say, "You won't understand." 

Seriously, no one would because it was a journey that needs one's presence. 

Inevitably, my work soon suffered. Having to keep a constant ear-out for Ma, I became very highly strung. I could hardly focus on my work during the day. I could only re-look at my work when she slept. That led to a 5-hour sleep daily, which eventually took its toll on my work and body.

Moral support was important but it was also frivolous at the same time. The act of being there and helping was more important than anything else. 

Halfway, I needed something to look forward to, something to soothe my highly-active-but-unsettled mind. I happened to see a lotus anklet charm on Etsy and ordered it to be delivered via normal post from the States.

It would take approximately two weeks for the anklet to be delivered. By the time the anklet reaches my hand, the caring-journey would almost be completed.

With a deadline in sight, my state of mind improved slightly.

As Father Time promises, everything heals with time. Ma's much better now. While her Parkinson's-body didn't take the episode well and she's not as agile as before, she has regained a lot of stability after a series of physiotherapy. 

We are thankful she's no longer in tears when she tries to get up from the bed. We are thankful that she is able to move around the house with a walking aid and go for short walks with a company. 

With a reduction in her mobility, she needs to be accompanied most of the time and watching TV was probably the only activity she could do on her own. Having spent most of her life supporting and caring for the maternal family before she was married, and taking care of her own family after she was married, she's never had the chance to cultivate any hobbies or develop friendships.

Ma's a very strong-willed woman. While she frustrates us sometimes with her antics of self-deluded independence, it can be sad to watch her losing her independence and freedom, to a certain extent.  

So, what are the lessons learned? 

I walked away with the understanding that the ability to be grateful is not an innate trait of humans. We always want more, and are seldom content with what we already have. 

For our generation and the generations to come, life is hardly going to be as tough as our parents' generation or the generations before that. We want more and more of material quality; better accommodation, better cars, latest smart devices, further and more exotic holiday destinations, the best school for the kids, the softest cotton on our backs, and the most luxurious leather for our soles. So, we chase after a life that's beyond us, and, in the progress, making our souls suffer. 

A good work-life balance is very important. Be the best employee, but set aside time for the deserving people; people who walk and would walk your life with you. A job has an end to it, but a heart continues to ache long after a loved one is six-feet underground.

A relationship does not grow organically, it needs nurturing. Like plants, it would simply wither away when left alone. Do your due diligence, and it promises its loyalty. Keep friends who are always there for you close. 

Cultivate hobbies. When agility and mobility leave you, you would be thankful that they are there to fill your days. You deserve more than just watching TV programmes or thumbing the games on the smart devices. More so, the person lying next to you.  

Illnesses cannot be foretold and, unfortunately, avoided totally. Take care of your health for the sake of your loved ones, you would not want your loved ones to suffer.

Don't wait to do what you're supposed to do. Father Time promises healing with time, but he doesn't wait too. When the moment is gone, it's gone.

Ma's fortunate. She has a husband, three children and three grandkids to walk the rocky path with her. For childless couples, be kind to yourself and your partner. Be well physically and mentally, so that there are more happy years ahead. 

If I have a child...

There's a common question that follows after a wedding:

"When's the baby coming?"

People ask with concern, but, often, they know the answer. 

I am not a baby person. By that, I mean, I do not hate baby, or children for that matter. The love part may or may not come, depending on situation.

It may be surprising, but there are people who really cannot stand the sight of babies, no matter how cute they are. I used to love all babies and children till my mid-twenties. Somehow, another part of my gene took over, and I am sitting on top of the fence ever since. 

So, I am not a baby-hater, but I adore my nieces and nephews. They are family and fall into a different category. Friends' children mostly fall into this category too. I seldom go woo-ah over babies on street. I would still smile at them; it's not nice to be rude. 

Hubs can be considered a baby person, when compared with me. I find this put us into a pretty balanced state of mind somehow. So, if we have a baby, one would be estatically happy and the other calm. The baby wouldn't be suffocated with the endless hugs. 

We are still childless. We did try, but no, we are still childless. 

It's common that when a couple is childless, the first piece of advice would always go to the wife. Yes? No?

"Try this. It will help warm your womb." 

"It must be the green tea that you drink every morning. It's too cooling." 

"Prob your tube is blocked, see a doctor."

"You shouldn't take cold drinks during the time of the month. It's bad for trying." 

It's amazing how the fingers are seldom directed at the men in the quest for child. 

People, woman can't simply get pregnant by herself! There's always a father, regardless willingly, or not. 

We are lucky. My parents in-laws are pretty cool with our status quo. They are the "IN" in-laws like what I always tell people. I couldn't have ask for more. 

Would I like to have a child? Yes, there's no doubt. 

It's very exciting to think that we could mould the little mind into what I wish people nowadays are, especially the polite part, less eye-time on the smart device part, see rather than look, listen rather than hear. Perhaps the ability to play a musical instrument too so that s/he can have a channel to express a lot in little words (and so that there's less time on the smart device again. I have little faith that smart phone or tablet can help in fostering relationship)? I know I would teach my child how to trade, especially if it's a she. 

At the end of the day, it's just nice to have a little being and a warm sack to hold onto. A nice-smelling sack to love, no matter how many shitty diapers we need to change, and the endless heartaches that s/he would inflict upon us growing up. Of course, we could also be asking for trouble. But no one knows for sure. I didn't turn out too badly, neither did hubs. So I think the little "us" should be fine? 

Is there a terrible ache in the heart for that little-us? A little, but it's not going to kill us. 

A Chinese saying has somehow put it nicely and brings some comfort, i.e. for us: Children are karma from one's previous life. They are either here to pay back a debt or collect one. 

So, try hard but don't be too hard on yourself, especially the wife, or allow others be hard on you, if the little-you just decide not to come. As long as we try, the best we couldthere's no regret in our post-working-factory age, it could be better to let the karma unroll itself.

I No Longer Have Patience

This is a borrowed content; saw in Facebook shared by a friend. 

Right on the bull's eye. 

"I no longer have patience for certain things, not because I've become arrogant, but simply because I reached a point in my life where I do not want to waste more time with what displeases me or hurts me. I have no patience for cynicism, excessive criticism and demands of any nature. I lost the will to please those who do not like me, to love those who does not love me and to smile at those who do not want to smile at me. I no longer spend a minute on those who lie or want to manipulate. I decided not to coexist anymore with pretense, hypocrisy, dishonesty and cheap praise. I do not tolerate selective erudition nor academic arrogance. I do not adjust either to popular gossiping. I hate conflicts and comparisons. I believe in a world of opposites and that's why I avoid people with rigid and inflexible personalities. In friendship, I disike the lack of loyalty and betrayal. I do not get along with those who do not know how to give a compliment or a word of encouragement. Exaggerations bore me and I have difficulty accepting those who do not like animals. And on top of everything I have no patience for anyone who does not deserve my patience."_Meryl Streep

Onwards

I love Starbucks even though I am not a coffee fan. So when I saw the new book, Onward, I just picked it up and paid for it. 

I know there are people who would go for a kopitiam's coffee anytime, and proclaim Starbucks's coffee is overpriced etc. I do not even drink coffee, what do I know, right?

I like the coffee smell that engulfs me when I step into a Starbucks cafe. I like the design of the cafe and I like the environment. 

Yup, I know, very superficial stuff. So what? I think I am am allow to indulge in small luxury like this... hmmm.. right? 

There are reasons why I like Starbucks as a company first. 

Many years ago, when I was looking for a job, I went to Starbucks for an operational post. Similar experience per the prior job, but different product. I was asked to work for a day in one of their stores. I was glad to find everything is pretty much similar in terms of operations. But guess what I like best? I came to know that if I think I am ready for a promotion, besides the recommendation from the superior, I could actually recommend myself and ask to be tested! 

People who have worked for a while know much as we want a perfect environment where we hope the immediate superior is most willing to teach and fair person, it is not easy to find one. I have only met one such person in my 20 years. While the system did had its flaw but it was very appealing to me. To me, it represented a fairness that rely on skill and capability, where the influence of human factor could be reduced dramatically. 

A lot of people would know health care in US is expensive. Starbucks provide healthcare benefits as long as you work 20 hours a week. Their coffee comes from ethical source. In 2008, they held their biennial meeting in New Orleans, which had yet recovered from Hurricane Katrina. They had helped many people paid their mortgages and bills that month with the amount of money that they spent there. 

These are what I like about the company. When it has the ability, choices made to benefit themselves include those who need it. Besides building a powerful brand, there is also a big heart. 

I like the values behind this company. 

People can question whether this is truly the values of the company or it is a front that is being put out for business and PR sake. 

I have kind of gave up this train of thoughts many years ago. I can either be a cynic and have all type of thoughts about the company or I can read a bit more and decide for myself if I am going to go with what is presented to me. 

Life is kind of busy with so much of things happening all at the same time. Frankly, I do not mind being a bit naive at times and take it at face value. After all I am not like giving them my life savings.

I can only say I am happy to buy from Starbucks because even if it is for business front; I am glad to know that I am helping the farmers in the struggling developing countries one way or the other. 

Onward is heartful read. It is not just about Starbucks. I like the messages that were presented in the book - values, innovation, humanity, responsibilities and social contribution. 

Howard Schultz's proceeds from the sale of the book would be donated to the Starbucks Foundation. So, good to know I am contributing again :)

Singapore National Library Board has the book for a loan. 

Or check it out at Book Depository or Amazon if you would like to add it to your collection. Remember to take shipping cost into consideration!

Hong Kong...and the Take Away Lesson!

I made another trip to Hong Kong recently. 

Somehow this trip feel better. Services were a lot better though they were still loud at most places. The colleague whom I travelled with brought me to Soho. I been there once many years ago and we had a dinner there. The food was alright, but the ambience was really good. 

The long long escalator (on the right)

Checky photo-bomber!

I found out on this trip that eating at restaurants and going to cafes like Starbucks make a lot more sense in Hong Kong than going to their Cha Chan Ting (eateries). The prices seem to be lower by about 20% to 30%? 

We went to Tim Ho Wan en route to the airport. We ordered six dim sums, including a huge chicken glutinous rice, which was fabulous by the way! I think the bill was less than SGD30. I have no idea if this was cheap as compared to the Tim Ho Wan in Singapore though. But do not linger around after you finish, they need the table back quickly... 

The purpose of this trip was to check out the gift and premium trade show. Both for work and for myself. I love craft and lifestyle items, and there was a craft that I saw in a recent trip which I really like. I found out the vendor would be at the fair hence I wanted to be at the fair. And there were things that I needed to source for work so off I went!

The fair took place at Hong Kong convention and exhibition center (HKCEC), and we stayed at Cosmopolitan Hotel. I stayed at the same hotel last month when I was in Hong Kong for work. I like this hotel because there is a FOC shuttle that would send guest to HKCEC and back to the hotel. We could walk to the convention center, but who would give up a bus ride? We took the same shuttle to IFC where we took the express train to the airport. The hotel is about 10 minutes walk to Causeway Bay shopping district which is great. Plenty of food along the way. We got a free upgrade 'cos Cosmopolitan Hotel had the record that we were there last month! Yea! 

View outside our room; The Hong Kong Jockey Club

Traffic at about 12pm on a Sunday, view from our room

Empty road at 1030pm on Monday night

I have never been to a gift and premium fair before. The fair occupied five floors of Hong Kong Convention and Exhibition Cente. We had to be very selective in terms of what we were looking for, since the fair was really huge. It is not possible to stop at every booth, but then again that would not be necessary since some of the gifts'  quality was really bad and some was totally unrelated. Guess what was one of the most common items in the trade show?! Umbrellas! Haha! There are hundreds and hundreds of booths, selling all sort of things. From wrapping papers, toys, electronic products to furniture, lifestyle products such as exquisite tea pot set, and beautiful musical boxes. 

We were in Hong Kong for two nights. On the second night, I roamed the streets when my colleague went to meet her Hong Kong friends. As I walked back to Cosmopolitan Hotel from Causeway Bay, I found a wet market accidentally. Nothing was housed under one roof; the stalls were lined along the sides of the road. Lots of shouting went on at the same time. Do it fast, no slowing down. I bought a punnet of strawberries, without a word. Took my berries, paid and went off. 

There were quiet places that I like; unlike the last trip, there was not a single place that I felt was peaceful. I love the first photo below; the entire atmosphere was so "In the Mood for Love". At least the photos look rather peaceful, haha!

Though the experience was much better this time, still two days later, I was pretty happy to head home. Hence airport is still my favourite place in Hong Kong!

Pleasant surprise on the plane!

The biggest take away from this trip was from the fair - no matter which part of the world you are from, how successful you are, how small you are, innovation is always the king. Creativity always attract, always win. In such a big fair, it is not easy to be noticed, unless your product really stands out. The same would perhaps apply in our work, the grey cells need to start working in the right direction, and out of the box!

Something for Myself

Mom's favourite question is "Do you want to eat?".

My favourite reply is "No", which I know is very terrible of me. Well, I don't always say no. I am always home for dinner (100% attendance for the past quarter) unless I have an appointment, not counting days when I was not in Singapore. She usually asks me like 30 minutes after I have my breakfast or first thing when I wake up. I just need to defend myself a little :>

So anyway, back to the topic. 

Recently mom's question started me thinking. Would I be the same when I am old, i.e. family is my only life? It would still be a big part but would it be the only part? 

Mom spent a good part of her life caring for the family. She did some sewing to help out with the expenses on top of that. She keeps in touch with her friends, but I do not really recall her going out often with her friends. No brunch, no shopping, no coffee shops. There could be the once in every two, three years meet up, but that was about it. Mom loves gatherings, so it must have been tough on her...

Photo credit: Bill Lee

For Dad, he still catches up with his taxi-kakis every Saturday after he stopped driving when his first grand child was born. Nowadays, the grand children are older, he goes on tours with friends now and then. He was angry when we could not understand why he wanted a smart phone... Dad is still very much active; he has a life outside of the home. 

Photo credit: Bill Lee

Could the difference been because Dad had worked outside of home while Mom's world has been mostly confine within the four walls of home? 

Much as I love Mom, I fear a routine life when I am older. So I have already started to plan what I would like to do when life slows down. Life can slow down, but I would like to still be active and have a world outside of my family. 

Set up a blog, so that you can write, if you are a writer-in-the-closet. Set up an online shop if you like to shop and curate. Pick up a hobby that you can cultivate and master by the time you are old to enjoy iy. 

Children or not, they might not always be with you when you are old. It would be nice to have grand children to spoilt, but I am fine doing that for dogs. 

This is what I know I want : 

• Definitely dogs. And a reliable boarding house for them when we travel. 

• Definitely writing too. Whether it is on my Mac or a blog, I want to continue to write. This is definitely something for myself. 

• A part time cleaner to come in at least once a week. I like a clean environment, and would still like a clean environment when I am old. Perhaps especially when I am old because I might not be cleaning as well as when I am younger. Spots might be missed. 

• A robot vacuum that has a wet mop function. A hair and dust free floor would be nice. 

• The ability to spend. Not frivolously, but I do not want to be standing in front of the fruits row, wondering whether I should get that $20 per punnet of strawberries. I used to think I would spend less when I am older, but that might not be so true. I would be ticking off my bucket list, and how could my spending be lesser. Of course, I am not going to get into debt for the list, but I certainly do not want to be stinging on myself and my loved ones. I do not intend to bring a single cent to my grave, nor do I intend to leave anything behind (except for hubby and family if I am to go before him). 

• A library room in the house if space permits. A rocking chair in an air con room with shelves after shelves of books; together with a cup of tea would be really nice. 

• A craft room where I can leave my handicraft and sewing arounds. Sewing machine, Serger, mosaic, pilers, grout, cloth, glass bottles, flowers, plants. Of course, this is also provided there is space. Books and craft can always combine too. 

• Friends. I think I have already found my circle of friends who would be walking with me for the rest of my life. Some of them have kids now, and we do not meet up often. That is fine, because we connect on a certain level that do not need the constant meet up. In about 18 years time, when their kids are independent, we would be having our tea in a cafe once or twice a week.  

• And of course a companion. Hubby. 

I am not too greedy, I think. 

Photo credit: Bill Lee

Everyone deserves a good life, just make sure you work for it. And be happy when working for it; otherwise it might not be something that you want. 

Gender Equality

I just need to write about this book that I wrote about a while ago - Lean In - because I finally finished it, and there are things that I really like in it. 

There are so many pointers that I like; just so many. I can't write all since everyone would be really bored by the time I finished. Taking the gender out of the context, this is what I like: 

• It's time the male should not be given weird looks if they choose to be the stay-home-dad. Moms may have the boobs to give the baby a comfy support, but the dad can do it just as well with a comfy blanket. 

• Housework to be shared equally! To show my 101% support for this statement needs both my legs on top of both my hands, counting all the 10 toes and fingers! Housework should never be dumped onto one party, or the partner who is working from home, well, unless, the stay-home partner is a stay-home-worker. If both are working, chores should always be shared. No one like to be choring away, everyone likes to be on the couch. 

• Don't belittle yourself and be mean to yourself. Speak up. No one owes it to you to give you the chance; you owe it to yourself. Speak up if you truly deserve that promotion. 

• Help those around you, both in career and personal life. Pay it forward. When everyone start to lend a helping hand, the world becomes a better place, faster. Of course, still help the mean-ies; point them to the counselling centre to get a value cleansing first. 

• The last, and my favourite - when you are offer a seat in the rocket, you do not ask where is the seat, you get on. When you are looking for a career, starting a business, look for the fast growth. We are not talking about endless overtime, but the culture. Do not get stagnant, that is when the politics starts. 

Perhaps some males might find the book very skewed in certain views, but if you take out the gender issue, this is a very good read. I would recommend it to all, especially the ladies. 

To end, since Sheryl Sandberg wrote this book, let's just say more for the women, it would be nice to end this post with a fantastic recent viral video. Thanks Mom!

Getting Old

As I type away, my stomach is still protesting from the super-heavy breakfast / brunch that I had about five hours ago. Aside from the delicious meal, I had a good four-hour-catch-up with a lovely friend at a lovely cafe. We had perhaps not seen each other for about three, four months? 

I am a carbo-fanatic; especially bread. I love hot bread that comes fresh out of the toaster and oven. I can eat them plain with no spread; toasted is good enough for me. Of course, I would also welcome a chocolate croissant anytime. The smell of freshly baked bread has this comforting effect on me. 

The selection was not as wide as Paris Baguette, another cafe that I went with another good friend just the day before, but it was good enough for us. Perhaps no breakfast set for us the next round; we both agreed the set was pretty normal. I rather stuff myself with the chocolate croissant. 

It is the end of the year, and the topics usually do not stray too far away from the year that is about to pass, and what do we look forward for the new year. As we chatted, I had to somehow admit I am getting older; not just from the numbers that are adding to my life-scale, but I am starting to feel the differences. 

I sleep lesser, my food portion is smaller but somehow my waistline is increasing because my metabolism is slowing down. I get tired earlier too. When hubby and I started to date, I used to be able to hang out with him and his friends till 2am, 3am when we were back in his hometown. Nowadays I do not join him for his buddy sessions; the bed always emerges as the winner. Yoga is sort of sharing more of the exercising sessions with my jog - a clear sign that my body is asking me to slow down.

The changes occur not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. Nowadays, I find myself bubbling with happiness when I check the savings account and see the miserable interest credited end of the month. Or the minuscule savings off the daily necessities can keep me happy for the rest of the day. I sometimes find myself collecting coupons to redeem the WMF knives at supermarket. My topics with some of the girlfriends are also slowly shifting to comparing prices of washing detergent or shampoo. I am also totally guilty of worming up at home during the weekends, and not catching up with friends. The quietness on a Saturday afternoon is pure heaven. No noisy kids, no train rush and no pushing at the supermarket. A cup of hot tea, a book or surfing with my Mac would always be my choice to spend my afternoon. 

Yes, I think I am getting old. 

But I love it!

I am not all depressed by these changes. I am not one who would open up immediately, and I am, most of the times but I hope not all the time, being mark as the aloof and unfriendly. In the past, this used to bother me, and with the age adding up, it kind of turns the other way. I would love everyone to like me, but I am also happy to be left alone. So being closer to the big "4" sort of gives me the right to be less bothered? After all, don't we all say there comes a time when only the family and close friends matter the most. 

I always felt like 30s when I was in my 20s because somehow my train of thoughts did not really gel with the 20s of my time. In my 30s, I finally feel more in sync. I learn to keep and finally have a fine inventory of friends who I can see walking the rest of my path with, friends who understand me, friends who have the same values and friends who care. 

I kind of look forward to the 40s because my life is on track. All I need to do is to do what I am supposed to do; this belief has always keep me grounded throughout the years. I cannot control the outcome, but I make damn sure I do what I am supposed to do, so that there would be as little regret as possible. 

After all, there is only one 20s, one 30s, one 40s. And there is only one life. 

Cheers to the middle age!