Be Prepared

It was heart aching watching Ma carried out the instructions of her doctor during her Parkinson's Disease review. 

Her index finger moved in a slow motion from her nose to her doctor's index finger. 

It looked almost a replica of that famous scene in the movie E.T.

About a year ago, Ma couldn't walk overnight. Ma has a very high threshold for pain. The pain must have been unimaginable for her to shed tears.

Ma suffered from leg and shoulder pain for some years before this incident. Sometimes, she would complain of weakness in her legs too. Though this was mentioned frequently to her doctors at her reviews, they generally put it down to degeneration due to old age and did not go further other than prescribing painkillers. 

We sent Ma to Mount Alvernia Hospital after deliberating between private and public hospital. Our first option was to the public hospital as we were worried about the medical expenses, but no one in the family had the heart to put Ma through the wait and queue. We did our sums quickly and did what we thought was the best for her. 

The lumbar spine has five vertebrae which are abbreviated as L1 through L5. After Ma's MRI, we were advised (in layman terms) that Ma's nerves were compressed at L4 and L5, therefore the severe pain. 

Within a week, Ma was admitted and operated on. We were lucky to have found Dr Tan Siah Heng, James. Dr Tan performed a laminectomy for Ma successfully. Thankfully, Ma did not need screws to stabilise her spine. 

Dr Tan has a lot of empathy for our situation as a middle-income family. We could not have asked for a better doctor. It’s not easy to find a doctor who treats patients with dignity. 

A lot of people feel the sick needs pitying. But, no, what is needed is compassion, not pitying. Pitying takes away one's dignity, but compassion allows one to feel for the sick with the dignity that they still deserved.

It's very difficult to sugarcoat Ma's recovery process, especially with her Parkinson's Disease. C'est la vie. 

Tearing was easy during the over-a-month intensive caring period, especially with Ma slipping into mild depression post surgery. Crying was a norm in the house. 

Things had gotten so tiring that my tear ducts were triggered constantly. TV dialogues, newspapers articles, old photographs, elderly tissue-sellers, babies. Even fighting scenes.

Being the only one who worked from home, I shared the caring duties with sis. She woke up early to change Ma's diapers, prepared her for the day and put her to bed when she was back from work. I took on the day shift; looking after her medication feeds, preparing her meals, helping her with her toilet visits, naps and shower. 

Like what people always say, "You won't understand." 

Seriously, no one would because it was a journey that needs one's presence. 

Inevitably, my work soon suffered. Having to keep a constant ear-out for Ma, I became very highly strung. I could hardly focus on my work during the day. I could only re-look at my work when she slept. That led to a 5-hour sleep daily, which eventually took its toll on my work and body.

Moral support was important but it was also frivolous at the same time. The act of being there and helping was more important than anything else. 

Halfway, I needed something to look forward to, something to soothe my highly-active-but-unsettled mind. I happened to see a lotus anklet charm on Etsy and ordered it to be delivered via normal post from the States.

It would take approximately two weeks for the anklet to be delivered. By the time the anklet reaches my hand, the caring-journey would almost be completed.

With a deadline in sight, my state of mind improved slightly.

As Father Time promises, everything heals with time. Ma's much better now. While her Parkinson's-body didn't take the episode well and she's not as agile as before, she has regained a lot of stability after a series of physiotherapy. 

We are thankful she's no longer in tears when she tries to get up from the bed. We are thankful that she is able to move around the house with a walking aid and go for short walks with a company. 

With a reduction in her mobility, she needs to be accompanied most of the time and watching TV was probably the only activity she could do on her own. Having spent most of her life supporting and caring for the maternal family before she was married, and taking care of her own family after she was married, she's never had the chance to cultivate any hobbies or develop friendships.

Ma's a very strong-willed woman. While she frustrates us sometimes with her antics of self-deluded independence, it can be sad to watch her losing her independence and freedom, to a certain extent.  

So, what are the lessons learned? 

I walked away with the understanding that the ability to be grateful is not an innate trait of humans. We always want more, and are seldom content with what we already have. 

For our generation and the generations to come, life is hardly going to be as tough as our parents' generation or the generations before that. We want more and more of material quality; better accommodation, better cars, latest smart devices, further and more exotic holiday destinations, the best school for the kids, the softest cotton on our backs, and the most luxurious leather for our soles. So, we chase after a life that's beyond us, and, in the progress, making our souls suffer. 

A good work-life balance is very important. Be the best employee, but set aside time for the deserving people; people who walk and would walk your life with you. A job has an end to it, but a heart continues to ache long after a loved one is six-feet underground.

A relationship does not grow organically, it needs nurturing. Like plants, it would simply wither away when left alone. Do your due diligence, and it promises its loyalty. Keep friends who are always there for you close. 

Cultivate hobbies. When agility and mobility leave you, you would be thankful that they are there to fill your days. You deserve more than just watching TV programmes or thumbing the games on the smart devices. More so, the person lying next to you.  

Illnesses cannot be foretold and, unfortunately, avoided totally. Take care of your health for the sake of your loved ones, you would not want your loved ones to suffer.

Don't wait to do what you're supposed to do. Father Time promises healing with time, but he doesn't wait too. When the moment is gone, it's gone.

Ma's fortunate. She has a husband, three children and three grandkids to walk the rocky path with her. For childless couples, be kind to yourself and your partner. Be well physically and mentally, so that there are more happy years ahead. 

If I have a child...

There's a common question that follows after a wedding:

"When's the baby coming?"

People ask with concern, but, often, they know the answer. 

I am not a baby person. By that, I mean, I do not hate baby, or children for that matter. The love part may or may not come, depending on situation.

It may be surprising, but there are people who really cannot stand the sight of babies, no matter how cute they are. I used to love all babies and children till my mid-twenties. Somehow, another part of my gene took over, and I am sitting on top of the fence ever since. 

So, I am not a baby-hater, but I adore my nieces and nephews. They are family and fall into a different category. Friends' children mostly fall into this category too. I seldom go woo-ah over babies on street. I would still smile at them; it's not nice to be rude. 

Hubs can be considered a baby person, when compared with me. I find this put us into a pretty balanced state of mind somehow. So, if we have a baby, one would be estatically happy and the other calm. The baby wouldn't be suffocated with the endless hugs. 

We are still childless. We did try, but no, we are still childless. 

It's common that when a couple is childless, the first piece of advice would always go to the wife. Yes? No?

"Try this. It will help warm your womb." 

"It must be the green tea that you drink every morning. It's too cooling." 

"Prob your tube is blocked, see a doctor."

"You shouldn't take cold drinks during the time of the month. It's bad for trying." 

It's amazing how the fingers are seldom directed at the men in the quest for child. 

People, woman can't simply get pregnant by herself! There's always a father, regardless willingly, or not. 

We are lucky. My parents in-laws are pretty cool with our status quo. They are the "IN" in-laws like what I always tell people. I couldn't have ask for more. 

Would I like to have a child? Yes, there's no doubt. 

It's very exciting to think that we could mould the little mind into what I wish people nowadays are, especially the polite part, less eye-time on the smart device part, see rather than look, listen rather than hear. Perhaps the ability to play a musical instrument too so that s/he can have a channel to express a lot in little words (and so that there's less time on the smart device again. I have little faith that smart phone or tablet can help in fostering relationship)? I know I would teach my child how to trade, especially if it's a she. 

At the end of the day, it's just nice to have a little being and a warm sack to hold onto. A nice-smelling sack to love, no matter how many shitty diapers we need to change, and the endless heartaches that s/he would inflict upon us growing up. Of course, we could also be asking for trouble. But no one knows for sure. I didn't turn out too badly, neither did hubs. So I think the little "us" should be fine? 

Is there a terrible ache in the heart for that little-us? A little, but it's not going to kill us. 

A Chinese saying has somehow put it nicely and brings some comfort, i.e. for us: Children are karma from one's previous life. They are either here to pay back a debt or collect one. 

So, try hard but don't be too hard on yourself, especially the wife, or allow others be hard on you, if the little-you just decide not to come. As long as we try, the best we couldthere's no regret in our post-working-factory age, it could be better to let the karma unroll itself.

Ah Bea

Ah Bea is the first baby in the family.

And of course, we all fell in love with this chubby pie.

She used to get free bread bun when she passed by a bakery after dad fetched her from the childcare center. Simply because she was so cute and chubby.

Video taken from Shangcapella's channel. 

Ah Bea has a pretty good nature, and is kind most of the time. A bit impatient at times, and of course like all kids, she sometimes bully her sister but of course we know she still loves her. But somehow gives in to her little brother all the time. She wants to be a vet, and she loves pink stuff. 

This is her selfie at six years old. 

At ten today (yes exactly today), Ah Bea is still chubby, and her adorable double chin is still there, haha! She is almost my height now. She promised to take care of both her 姑姑 when we need walking sticks. 

Ah Bea, happy birthday, and may you always be this happy!

I am in a Good Mood

I am in such good mood these few days :)

It is only because hubby would be in town in another couple more days!

I have not see him for a while, probably nobody would believe we are still happily married, haha! Even my mother in law was wondering where the heck did we go. We are real bad; we haven't been home since Chinese New Year. 

I miss our Malaysia home too - kind of wondering did the basil go out on a full revenge because no one groom her, if the weeds have overtaken our aloe vera and if my baby pomegranate seedlings are still growing. 

Sorry friends, hubby is only in town for two nights, and I intend to keep him to myself during this period :> 

Jackie

Jackie would have been 15 this year. She passed away in Jul 2011. I am not someone who put photo around, but I have four, five of Jackie's photo in my room. Once in a while, I would take it out and rub her forehead, and it seems like I am still about to smell her special puppy smell. 

I got Jackie when I was in my early twenties. I had just ended my first relationship, and needless to say it was the end of the world for me. I worked but it was difficult to eat; I was around, but I was drifting too. I was just waiting for the time to pass so that the wound to heal. Perhaps my colleague knew the one thing to heal my broken heart was a puppy, and she brought me to a pet shop one night after work. 

She was right. I fell in love with Jackie the minute I saw her. 

There were litters of jack russell around, mostly white with spots of brown. Jackie was alone in a cage by herself. I asked for the reason and was told she was too tiny and could not fight her way to the food. Hence need to be separated so that she could be fed properly. 

The shop assistant passed me two puppies, one was Jackie and another was a white coat with brown spots puppy. The later was about a size bigger than Jackie. The minute I set both of them on the floor, the "whitie" went off on her own happily while Jackie hung pretty close to me. 

I brought Jackie home that night. 

Mom and dad weren't too hot about having a dog in a flat. But they did not raise too much of a protest given it was my down time :>

So there was a reason for the unfortunate breakup; we got Jackie!

I never had a pre conception as to what type of dog I would like to have, but I am a big-dog person. I like to be able to ride my dog, and able play rough when I want to without hurting my dog. We had big dogs since we were young, those days when we still lived in the kampong. So it was true love with Jackie, though she was tiny. She fitted nicely into my palms when I first got her. When she was still small, we used to put her into a big plastic bag and hung her up by the door knob when we were mopping the floor. She would sticked her head out once in a while, other than that, she would be curled up, napping till we are done. 

Jackie brought us a lot of joy over the 13 years that she was with us. She was usually the first one to greet me when I was back from my night shift. She was also the first to wake in the morning. Dad trained her pretty well, she knew how to find her way to the toilet for her big and small businesses. She did the same when she visited our auntie with her. It was amazing how she did that, given that we never really showed her where the toilet was. When she was about a year old, she would carry the toys that she brought out to play back to where it was.

See how tiny she was, the ball of wool was used as a comparison. 

When the grandchildren came, her jumpiness mellowed. Perhaps she knew that she was upgraded in status, and she needed to help to watch over the kids. Jackie seemed to get along best with the youngest. Whenever the little guy sat next to her, she would lick him slightly on the hand and allow him to stroke her head. 

The last two months of Jackie's life was really painful for everyone. Her stomach started to bloat one day after she lost control of her bowel. For the next couple of days, she could not really eat nor could she shit. 

We brought her to the vet at Mount Pleasant. I knew there was some issues with the vet at Mount Pleasant many years ago, but I speak for ourselves. I love the vet and the nurses there. I could feel they love animal genuinely. I had been to quite a couple of vets before we finally settled at Mount Pleasant. I could never felt any love for Jackie from the previous vets. I was comfortable with Mount Pleasant, and had always brought Jackie to Mount Pleasant ever since we found them. 

The vet did an x-ray and could not really tell what was wrong. She said the best way would be to open her up so that they could fix her on the spot if they could do so upon opening her up. They said they could run other tests as well, but instead of poking Jackie all round, and also to reduce the cost, it would be better to open her up. 

The operation went well. But her diagnosis was bad. Jackie had cancer, and the vet told us it was amazing how she could handle the pain. The vet provided the option of putting her to sleep during the operation. Yes, they were that good - they called before the operation and they called during the operation. But I was selfish, I could not let her go without the good bye. The vet stitched her up, and I went down after work to see her. 

Jackie was groggy but she was awake when I reached. She tried to stand when she saw me, and wagged her tail hard... I stayed with her for about 45 minutes and stroked her to sleep before I went off. The doctor could only put her on steroid and pain killer to ease her swollen body, but she warned Jackie would not last long. 

The next two months was a lot of care. I placed Jackie in my room, and I would help to rest her, and re tucked her middle of the night so that she would be more comfortable. My sister did plenty too, and so did our parents. Everyone just wanted to let Jackie be as comfortable as possible. 

Finally one day, I accidentally saw Jackie trembling in pain. I knew she needed to go, and we had to bring her back to Mount Pleasant. I would never want to let go of her, but she was suffering. The vet asked, "If it is you at your 90s, and you are suffering, do you want to stay or go? "

That was a crying day for the family. Even my dad shed some tears. After all, Jackie was family. 

I love dog and I think most of our family members do too. There is connection between the dog and us. I swore to not have a dog as a pet after Jackie; the parting was just too painful. But who would swore off family? So I do see dogs in my life again. 

Jackie, we love you. 

A Welcome Break!

Hubby comes from Batu Pahat (BP), located in the northwest coast of the state of Johor. Hills are nearly everywhere, and because of that BP is said to be a prime Fengshui spot. I really need a sprinkle good luck on top of the hard work put in (together with the team) these couple of months, and hopefully the Fengshui town had dusted some of its good fortune on me during the couple of days stay there! 

We were back in BP on the eve of Chinese New Year for the horse year after an early eve dinner with our Singapore family. The drive back to BP was short and sweet compared to last year. We were caught in a horrible jam for the dragon year, and ended up missing the eve meal that we travelled back for. Hence, this year we started to make our way back early in the morning. We even managed to get breakfast in BP!

Chinese New Year celebration would usually be in full swing from the eve of Chinese New Year, and firework is a common sight. Our family does not light any but we have a fantastic view from the balcony!

There would usually be a lot of sky lanterns (孔明灯), sending wishes for the year to come. I have yet upgraded my lens (or my skill) to take good picture of the sky lanterns hence no pictures for that. Hopefully I can post some nice pictures of the lanterns in the goat year. 

The couple of days in BP was good for a break in the relentless momentum. Looking forward to the next trip back in BP! 

Shoot Life

Last weekend, the family took a ride and went to check out the X'mas lights. The boy decided he would be the one to hand-held granny to the car :)

Shoot Life

This video was taken a year ago, when the entire family was on the way to a cruise. Number two wanted to play in the train; she was bored. So we played :)  A year later, she has more hair, and still as chubby :)

She...

We were told we looked like twins. 
She is my best friend. 

She is always there when I need a helping hand. 

She always gives so willingly and whole heartedly. 

She is my sister. 

Happy birthday. 

Family Cruise

The entire family went on a three day two night cruise in Dec. We spent some quality family time, but the entire experience was terrible from boarding the ship to disembarking. We booked three rooms, and our parents' cabin turned out to be the crew cabin! We took almost two hours to get the room sorted out. Meal times were war times; either we were booted out to queue while watching others strolled in without queuing or our tables were double booked. 

I wouldn't say the crew service was bad but the entire ship just did not seem to be ready to take on guests; the ship came out from Sembawang Shipyard just a day before after their refurbishing exercise. 

Check out the jacuzzi... Not a real good photo to start the blog with..

Well not all are bad, we did have some fun time :)

The kids had the best time, since they were blissfully ignorant of the dirty pool water and our grudges about the ship. Our parents had a good time too, though I think any family-together time is happy time for them.

Beatrice, Clare and Felix ~ the precious babies of the family

The first night was extremely tiring, after the room and the dinner saga. My sister and I retired to bed pretty early at about 10pm. One of the nieces slept in with us. The bed was not that comfortable, I woke up with rashes the following morning... 

After breakfast, we spent an hour or so walking around the deck. Thereafter we went off to the casino with our parents. We hung around for a couple of hours, and went for lunch. I sneaked off in the middle for my camera, and took a picture of the room and myself!

Later part of the afternoon was spent watching the kids at the pool while brother and me wondered off to work our cameras *smile*. 

After the kids showered, we went for dinner. Again the queue and the double booking of tables. Beatrice, our eldest niece, was a gem during meal times. She would help to queue for food and drinks, and bring these back to the tables for everyone. 

Night came and more strolling, haha! There was really not much of activities that were real exciting and fun on board. I guess most were here for the casino? The highlight of the stroll was a sea cockroach along the deck! Felix was so excited over it; he almost went crawling on the floor with it!

I wish I could say the trip was fabulous and everyone had a good time. When it was time to disembark, I was so happy to be sleeping in my own bed that night!

To be fair, I wrote to the cruise company on our experience a couple of days later, and as part of their  generous service recovery, they offered us another round of cruise at their largest ship. We have yet decide if we would go for the second round because it meant another round of scheduling coordination for 11 persons.

Family time never come easy especially when it involves three generations. Making the special effort is totally necessary but well worth it; especially for our parents.

Shoot Life

Taken with iPhone Instagram

A simple afternoon.

Sipping off from grandpa's spoon. 

A gesture that is full of love. 

Mammotone

Following the scan in Dec, a small lump was picked up in my right breast. Two of my aunties were diagnosed with breast cancer, hence I decided to seek doctor opinion.

I was introduced to Dr. Joy Lee whose clinic is located at Mount Alvernia. She is a Breast and General Surgeon, a very nice lady who is in her forties. She picked up another lump when she did a detail scan at her clinic. The scaredy-cat me decided to have them remove even though Dr. Lee said we could monitor the lumps instead. Dr. Lee said she should be able to remove the lumps through a day surgery known as "Mammotone".

I told Hubs of the day surgery and was hoping fervently that he could be here though I know it was highly impossible. I knew this was not going to be a major operation and I should be able to go and return home on my own; it was just that having hubby next to me would be comforting.

In any case, I started to prepare for the procedure and many of these were done in the event that if I need to be hospitalised. I cut my hair, did a facial to clear out the current pimples and went to the library to get some books for the next few days.

Treasures from NLB

The surgery was done at Mount Alvernia Hospital as I did my last two surgeries there too. I am pretty happy with the service and have no reason to move to another hospital. After the admission procedure was completed, I was brought to the day surgery waiting room. I handed over my valuables and was in the operating gown, sitting and waiting. 

I might sound a bit psychotic but I do always kind of enjoy the process of a surgery. I had three surgeries so far. The operating room theatre nurses were all very nice and motherly, and today I found out that they had this warm blanket (which was not there the last two times) blowing hot air! Having so many people fussing over you was kind of the best out of a not-preferred situation. 

The nurses turned me onto my left side and used something to support me from the back. A nurse was also standing at my right side, supporting me and telling me what was being done. Next, the nurse prepped me by sterilising my right breast, and once Dr. Lee came into the theatre, she did a scan to mark the position of the two lumps. She told me she would try to extract both lumps together so that I would have one scar less. After the marking, I was given a local anesthetic and she did some tests to make sure the area was numbed properly. I continued to lay on my side during the entire surgery.

Whatever that happened next was kind of a blur because I did not have my contact lens on. I saw a long and thick needle, similar to BBQ skewer. But what caught my attention was the sound of this needle / equipment. It sounded so much like an electric chainsaw though it was definitely softer. This needle would be the instrument to cut out the lumps. The nurse supporting my back must have seen my expression because she started to reassure me that it would not be painful. 

Dr. Lee prepped me for each step that she was taking. She told me she would make an incision, and thereafter she would be pushing the needle in for the extraction. I felt a slight push against my breast and slowly the pressure increased. Dr. Lee told me to bear with it but she also commented this surgery was considered a lot more gentle when compared to my pneumothorax day surgeries. Once the needle was in, Dr. Lee started to position and push the needle so that she would be able to position the needle and extract the two lumps together at the same time. She constantly looked at the scanner monitor to check on the positioning of the instrument (needle). 

Once the lumps were located, Dr. Lee started to cut the lumps with the needle. The cutting sounded like, ka-ka-ka. It felt weird, hearing but not feeling anything. The lumps were shown to me; they looked like fatty bacon strips; white and puny. Dr. Lee did a scan to make sure everything was taken out before she sewed me up. 

She told me the mammotone went well and all the lumps were extracted and sent for biopsy. She proceeded to wrap my chest up with pressure bandage. I was given instructions not to wet the bandage and to leave the bandage on for 24 hours. The bandage was pretty tight and it was a little itchy, but then again, I was just grateful to have the lumps out. The procedure took slightly less than an hour, and I was sent back to the day surgery resting room to rest and have something light. 

Hot tea is always so comforting...

Both my brother and sister offered to pick me up after the surgery but a girlfriend had also made arrangement to come. And since she was in the vicinity, I went home with her. 

While I acknowledge life is never a bed of roses, but I always like to think that whatever happens, happens for a reason. If I am to be gone at this instant, I think I am content to go without much of regret.