If I have a child...

There's a common question that follows after a wedding:

"When's the baby coming?"

People ask with concern, but, often, they know the answer. 

I am not a baby person. By that, I mean, I do not hate baby, or children for that matter. The love part may or may not come, depending on situation.

It may be surprising, but there are people who really cannot stand the sight of babies, no matter how cute they are. I used to love all babies and children till my mid-twenties. Somehow, another part of my gene took over, and I am sitting on top of the fence ever since. 

So, I am not a baby-hater, but I adore my nieces and nephews. They are family and fall into a different category. Friends' children mostly fall into this category too. I seldom go woo-ah over babies on street. I would still smile at them; it's not nice to be rude. 

Hubs can be considered a baby person, when compared with me. I find this put us into a pretty balanced state of mind somehow. So, if we have a baby, one would be estatically happy and the other calm. The baby wouldn't be suffocated with the endless hugs. 

We are still childless. We did try, but no, we are still childless. 

It's common that when a couple is childless, the first piece of advice would always go to the wife. Yes? No?

"Try this. It will help warm your womb." 

"It must be the green tea that you drink every morning. It's too cooling." 

"Prob your tube is blocked, see a doctor."

"You shouldn't take cold drinks during the time of the month. It's bad for trying." 

It's amazing how the fingers are seldom directed at the men in the quest for child. 

People, woman can't simply get pregnant by herself! There's always a father, regardless willingly, or not. 

We are lucky. My parents in-laws are pretty cool with our status quo. They are the "IN" in-laws like what I always tell people. I couldn't have ask for more. 

Would I like to have a child? Yes, there's no doubt. 

It's very exciting to think that we could mould the little mind into what I wish people nowadays are, especially the polite part, less eye-time on the smart device part, see rather than look, listen rather than hear. Perhaps the ability to play a musical instrument too so that s/he can have a channel to express a lot in little words (and so that there's less time on the smart device again. I have little faith that smart phone or tablet can help in fostering relationship)? I know I would teach my child how to trade, especially if it's a she. 

At the end of the day, it's just nice to have a little being and a warm sack to hold onto. A nice-smelling sack to love, no matter how many shitty diapers we need to change, and the endless heartaches that s/he would inflict upon us growing up. Of course, we could also be asking for trouble. But no one knows for sure. I didn't turn out too badly, neither did hubs. So I think the little "us" should be fine? 

Is there a terrible ache in the heart for that little-us? A little, but it's not going to kill us. 

A Chinese saying has somehow put it nicely and brings some comfort, i.e. for us: Children are karma from one's previous life. They are either here to pay back a debt or collect one. 

So, try hard but don't be too hard on yourself, especially the wife, or allow others be hard on you, if the little-you just decide not to come. As long as we try, the best we couldthere's no regret in our post-working-factory age, it could be better to let the karma unroll itself.

This is Singapore

I saw a heartful sight when I hopped onto the bus for home from Changi Airport. 

An elderly auntie boarded the bus with me and took the seat in front of me. At the Terminal 2, an Indian family boarded the bus. The mother took the seat closer to the front door, with her son, and the father took the seat behind me with an infant. 

At the next stop, the father decided to take the inner empty seat nearer to the back door. As he moved in, the bus moved. He almost dropped the baby, but luckily the lady and the elderly auntie gave him a hand. All's fine, and he sat. I saw the mother turned around and gave the dad a smile. 

Well, the air-conditioning was comfortable, and the weather was nice, so I fell asleep. When I woke, I saw the mother had moved to the seat next to the father. I saw her son sitting behind them.  I fell asleep again. 

The next time, I woke up, I saw the son was asleep. In the arms of the elderly auntie. 

This is Singapore. 

Something for Myself

Mom's favourite question is "Do you want to eat?".

My favourite reply is "No", which I know is very terrible of me. Well, I don't always say no. I am always home for dinner (100% attendance for the past quarter) unless I have an appointment, not counting days when I was not in Singapore. She usually asks me like 30 minutes after I have my breakfast or first thing when I wake up. I just need to defend myself a little :>

So anyway, back to the topic. 

Recently mom's question started me thinking. Would I be the same when I am old, i.e. family is my only life? It would still be a big part but would it be the only part? 

Mom spent a good part of her life caring for the family. She did some sewing to help out with the expenses on top of that. She keeps in touch with her friends, but I do not really recall her going out often with her friends. No brunch, no shopping, no coffee shops. There could be the once in every two, three years meet up, but that was about it. Mom loves gatherings, so it must have been tough on her...

Photo credit: Bill Lee

For Dad, he still catches up with his taxi-kakis every Saturday after he stopped driving when his first grand child was born. Nowadays, the grand children are older, he goes on tours with friends now and then. He was angry when we could not understand why he wanted a smart phone... Dad is still very much active; he has a life outside of the home. 

Photo credit: Bill Lee

Could the difference been because Dad had worked outside of home while Mom's world has been mostly confine within the four walls of home? 

Much as I love Mom, I fear a routine life when I am older. So I have already started to plan what I would like to do when life slows down. Life can slow down, but I would like to still be active and have a world outside of my family. 

Set up a blog, so that you can write, if you are a writer-in-the-closet. Set up an online shop if you like to shop and curate. Pick up a hobby that you can cultivate and master by the time you are old to enjoy iy. 

Children or not, they might not always be with you when you are old. It would be nice to have grand children to spoilt, but I am fine doing that for dogs. 

This is what I know I want : 

• Definitely dogs. And a reliable boarding house for them when we travel. 

• Definitely writing too. Whether it is on my Mac or a blog, I want to continue to write. This is definitely something for myself. 

• A part time cleaner to come in at least once a week. I like a clean environment, and would still like a clean environment when I am old. Perhaps especially when I am old because I might not be cleaning as well as when I am younger. Spots might be missed. 

• A robot vacuum that has a wet mop function. A hair and dust free floor would be nice. 

• The ability to spend. Not frivolously, but I do not want to be standing in front of the fruits row, wondering whether I should get that $20 per punnet of strawberries. I used to think I would spend less when I am older, but that might not be so true. I would be ticking off my bucket list, and how could my spending be lesser. Of course, I am not going to get into debt for the list, but I certainly do not want to be stinging on myself and my loved ones. I do not intend to bring a single cent to my grave, nor do I intend to leave anything behind (except for hubby and family if I am to go before him). 

• A library room in the house if space permits. A rocking chair in an air con room with shelves after shelves of books; together with a cup of tea would be really nice. 

• A craft room where I can leave my handicraft and sewing arounds. Sewing machine, Serger, mosaic, pilers, grout, cloth, glass bottles, flowers, plants. Of course, this is also provided there is space. Books and craft can always combine too. 

• Friends. I think I have already found my circle of friends who would be walking with me for the rest of my life. Some of them have kids now, and we do not meet up often. That is fine, because we connect on a certain level that do not need the constant meet up. In about 18 years time, when their kids are independent, we would be having our tea in a cafe once or twice a week.  

• And of course a companion. Hubby. 

I am not too greedy, I think. 

Photo credit: Bill Lee

Everyone deserves a good life, just make sure you work for it. And be happy when working for it; otherwise it might not be something that you want. 

What to Do Next?

Don't we all go through some rough patches, when things are not at their best, or simply too challenging? 

Many years ago, when I first step into a new industry, I was having one of the toughest time in career that I ever had. At the end of the first month, I was so angry with myself for jumping out of a comfortable job and took on this monstrous task of rebuilding everything from scratch. I could not remember a single reason why I went where I went. I could only remember the good of the old job; the comfortable office, the good income and the familiarity. And I could go for my daily jog at 7pm every day. 

I would be left awake for the rest of the night after being woken marginally by the sound of fan or the energetic neighbour. I would be swamped by relentless thoughts, and I would not be able to sleep for the rest of the night. 

Daylight scene from the Berlin's apartment kitchen window. 

This went on for sometime before I finally snapped out of it. I still did not know how things would turn out at that time, but I realised I could not change the situation. But I could perhaps make things turn out better by doing what I should do, with all my efforts and mind, and leave the rest to the higher being up there. Things always happen for a reason. 

Sometimes, perhaps the best way to manage a tough time is simply to do what we should do, and do our best so that we would never turn around and wonder what would have happen if we have try harder, and the pieces would fall into place. 

Getting Old

As I type away, my stomach is still protesting from the super-heavy breakfast / brunch that I had about five hours ago. Aside from the delicious meal, I had a good four-hour-catch-up with a lovely friend at a lovely cafe. We had perhaps not seen each other for about three, four months? 

I am a carbo-fanatic; especially bread. I love hot bread that comes fresh out of the toaster and oven. I can eat them plain with no spread; toasted is good enough for me. Of course, I would also welcome a chocolate croissant anytime. The smell of freshly baked bread has this comforting effect on me. 

The selection was not as wide as Paris Baguette, another cafe that I went with another good friend just the day before, but it was good enough for us. Perhaps no breakfast set for us the next round; we both agreed the set was pretty normal. I rather stuff myself with the chocolate croissant. 

It is the end of the year, and the topics usually do not stray too far away from the year that is about to pass, and what do we look forward for the new year. As we chatted, I had to somehow admit I am getting older; not just from the numbers that are adding to my life-scale, but I am starting to feel the differences. 

I sleep lesser, my food portion is smaller but somehow my waistline is increasing because my metabolism is slowing down. I get tired earlier too. When hubby and I started to date, I used to be able to hang out with him and his friends till 2am, 3am when we were back in his hometown. Nowadays I do not join him for his buddy sessions; the bed always emerges as the winner. Yoga is sort of sharing more of the exercising sessions with my jog - a clear sign that my body is asking me to slow down.

The changes occur not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. Nowadays, I find myself bubbling with happiness when I check the savings account and see the miserable interest credited end of the month. Or the minuscule savings off the daily necessities can keep me happy for the rest of the day. I sometimes find myself collecting coupons to redeem the WMF knives at supermarket. My topics with some of the girlfriends are also slowly shifting to comparing prices of washing detergent or shampoo. I am also totally guilty of worming up at home during the weekends, and not catching up with friends. The quietness on a Saturday afternoon is pure heaven. No noisy kids, no train rush and no pushing at the supermarket. A cup of hot tea, a book or surfing with my Mac would always be my choice to spend my afternoon. 

Yes, I think I am getting old. 

But I love it!

I am not all depressed by these changes. I am not one who would open up immediately, and I am, most of the times but I hope not all the time, being mark as the aloof and unfriendly. In the past, this used to bother me, and with the age adding up, it kind of turns the other way. I would love everyone to like me, but I am also happy to be left alone. So being closer to the big "4" sort of gives me the right to be less bothered? After all, don't we all say there comes a time when only the family and close friends matter the most. 

I always felt like 30s when I was in my 20s because somehow my train of thoughts did not really gel with the 20s of my time. In my 30s, I finally feel more in sync. I learn to keep and finally have a fine inventory of friends who I can see walking the rest of my path with, friends who understand me, friends who have the same values and friends who care. 

I kind of look forward to the 40s because my life is on track. All I need to do is to do what I am supposed to do; this belief has always keep me grounded throughout the years. I cannot control the outcome, but I make damn sure I do what I am supposed to do, so that there would be as little regret as possible. 

After all, there is only one 20s, one 30s, one 40s. And there is only one life. 

Cheers to the middle age!

Please love Singapore

When I went to Russia with a friend about seven years ago; and I was totally embarrassed. 

It was my first group tour because we were worried about language barrier. We went to Moscow and Saint Petersburg; beautiful cities with abundance of culture. 

One of the places we visited was Hermitage Museum. We saw tons of collections at the museum; art pieces, sculptures, artefacts. We were told specifically to take pictures in the museum, we were required to get a photography licence which was about Euro10 if I did not remember wrongly. In any case, I was very sure the amount was very affordable. The group was also told to note some of the areas did not allow flash to be used. The two of us decided instead of taking photo, we would get a photo-book from the museum when we leave. The book would have better pictures compared to us taking our own and we wanted to leave our mind free for the museum tour. On the same note, no one in the group bought the licence. 

As the local guide brought us from room to room, she would do a head count to make sure no one was left behind. At some point, she realised a couple of the group members were missing. We stopped and she went around looking. And...she found them snapping away with their cameras. The guide had the grace and did not say anything. But I would truly understand if she was cursing silently. 

As the museum tour progressed, more and more of the group members took out their cameras snapping, and sometimes ignoring the no-flash policy. A group member even encouraged the two of us to ignore the photo licence policy and start photographing. 

I could not be more embarrassed. 

That was seven years ago. Fast forward to 2013, I learnt to love Singapore a lot more. Spending time and living outside of Singapore has helped in building that love. I am still sometimes embarrassed by some Singaporeans' behaviour but I am not as bother as I was in the past. 

There are a lot more foreigners in Singapore, and we feel it. Foreign talents working in Singapore, foreigners who turned permanent residents / citizens or simply tourists. Singapore started with migrants and I think most of us are alright with the influx of foreigners (given the low birth rate?). Singapore is a small island, and human is the one resource that we can rely on. 

There is so much to love about Singapore, our fantastic readily available book vaults, affordable public housing and education, accessible public transport, and safety. I hope the foreigners who settle down in Singapore love Singapore for who she is, and has the intention of contributing towards Singapore as a citizen not just in term of financial. It is easy for some foreigners to say they pay their due through income taxes just like Singaporeans, or they could be paying more than some Singaporeans, and hence should enjoy the same benefits as Singaporeans. I think they must have forgotten our ancestors had started to pay dues way long before. It is disturbing and confusing to hear some of the foreigners who settle in Singapore continue to speak bad of the country or her people... 

Day to day complaining is fine, even Singaporeans grumble about her fellow mates. But when the comparison starts or when complaining turns into bitching, it gets unbearable. There must be something to love about Singapore, otherwise why set foot here? 

I agree Singaporeans are not perfect. We could be grouchy, we could even be nasty or stupid too at times. Think about it - Singapore have more than 5 million people in a tiny red dot. One would tend to get a higher dose of the similar personalities compare to a country with plenty of land. But there are plenty of nice people around too, just like every other countries. 

Please love Singapore.

Happy 2014 & Beyond!

Lucy is always happy, and this is the happiest and most proper photo that I took of her in 2013. One of my favourite. 

It is nice to be a dog; always happy, life is simple with just food and love. They are never after financial and material comforts, just plenty of tummy rubs and hugs. It is rude to say I wish you have a fantastic doggy life, even though this is true beyond the truth with the high of joy that a dog constantly feels, but this is truly what I wish for all those I love and for myself. 

Hence, I will keep it simple - Wishing you and family a Great 2014! 

Dear Life

Dear Life, I once read time travel is possible when one travels faster than the speed of light. If this is really possible, I would like to leave a note to the 21-year-old-me.

I would like to tell the 21-year-old-me not to worry too much about not finding her soulmate because he would appear just like so many wise ones had preached in the past and in the future to come - when the time is right, the right one would come along. Please treat all relationships that did not turn out as she wishes as treasured lessons of life; they would teach her to love better. Learning to understand that there are human traits which simply do not sit well with her and she should never compromise because a soulmate is for life. Never change herself to love another person. 

I would like to tell the 21-year-old-me to spend more time with the family, especially the parents, and treasure the time with the little ones in the family, because the former ages in a twinkle of the eye and the later grows too fast. I would like the 21-year-old-me to learn to take things slower and not so hard, not so serious; because she was once young like the later without any worries and she would age like the former. The stages in between the two are only meant for us to grow and to love, and we would all eventually turn to dust when the time comes. 

I would like to tell the 21-year-old-me that frugality is a trait that she should learn to treasure. Do not feel embarrassed when others mistake this as stinginess; you know yourself the best and you give willingly in the time of need. Keep your values close to your heart and continue to be humble. Trust your gut feelings. These would guide you well in times of doubt. 

I would like to tell the 21-year-old-me to travel more; way more often. Have a trip once every three months, go on work-visa programmes, explore the world so that you can learn and work better on your dream - to write with more empathy. Take the first step, worry less about the day-to-day expenses, to stop worrying if your lungs would collapse on you unexpectedly. I would like the 21-year-old-me to listen to her inner voice and to go with it. The voice inside you would be the one cheering on for you when you are down and silent when you are complete. 

Dear 21-year-old-me, there are so many things in life that you would never expect; trading a familiar life for a life of love after you finally come to peace with spending time on your own, losing your life savings when you thought you could finally take a break from the rat race and going back to ground zero when you are about to enter your mid life. This is life; do not expect all to understand you, neither do you need to explain yourself. People who understand you do not need your words of clarification. You are what you are today because life has shaped you as such; do not feel guilty about being yourself. Learn to love yourself more. 

Dear Life, if time travel is really possible, I would also like to tell the 65-year-old-me something. 

Dear 65-year-old-me, I am now at a stage where I could really use some support to get the now-me past some challenges in life, to make the right decisions so that I can meet a happier you in less than 30 years. It would be really great if you can be here and tell me if I am making the right choices and if the sacrifices that I am making are worth the while. I think of you constantly, where you would be, are you happy, have you realise your dreams, and love the people in your life?

I trust life would be fair when you work your ass off; do what I need to do and life would take care of the rest. This is the belief I rely on when the tough gets going. 

Dear 65-year-old-me, this is Dec 12 in year 2013. I am happy now though there are challenges, but I think I can get through them. Till I see you. 

Life in Malaysia

Crime news in Malaysia were flooding the Singapore's media a couple of months ago. Many friends have asked whether it is indeed a safe place to live. I am not a frequent traveller to our neighbour across the causeway before I know hubby. I visited JB when I was still a student and was caught with chewing gum at the custom... During one of the school excursions to Kukup (yup, we are fortunate enough to be able to travel to Malaysia in my days; trips to China, Vietnam etc were like "huh, can meh?") and a friend fell into the pond while posing for a photo. The jams from JB back to Singapore were always tiring even when seated comfortable in the car. I wasn't fond of our neighbour not for herself, but for the situation that I found myself to be in when I was there. My friends always had a lot of fun; I was the brat who did not enjoy herself.

That was until I met hubby. 

I took my first across-causeway coach by myself for the first time in 2008. It was a BIG deal for me; I was worried about custom, I was worried about the language, I was worried about being rob; I was worried that the coach driver would fell asleep. I was a worry queen. 

Once I settled down, I found I actually enjoy the unpredictable Malaysia. We would find a nice place to eat just out of the blue. We could discover a nice route to avoid toll, and use the toll money for a nice treat. A traffic jam could turn into a rare opportunity for us to have a long talk. I still look out of the car window to take in the view when I am in KL, especially if hubby takes a different route. I love the fact that the optical shops here never charge for a replacement screw or the nose pad. A trip back to hubby home town is always THE time to feast big time because delicious food are all around. Weekends morning is a time for dim sum and nurseries. I have a small plot of "soil" (an extremely small plot of land hence I am having problem calling it "a plot of land") at our place where I can plant and harvest some vegetables for my own consumption. And of course, I love the frantic-but-very-much-look-forward-to visits by Lucy-gal :) Sometimes, even the rule-abiding-me is secretly happy that hubby could sometimes just park anywhere as long as it does not inconvenient anyone. 

Yes, it is not always safe in Malaysia. Anyway, which place is; on this planet Earth? My last trip to KL were pretty exciting. When we were in Malacca for the weekend, there was a snatch thief, and the condo unit just below our friends' unit was almost broken into. But I am always thankful that I was never been put in a dangerous situation. Our home has been crime free for the past three years. I hope not to jinx it by writing it here though... 

But guess what I like the most???

I like the people the most!

I like the fact that most of the people I met are hardworking, and enjoy themselves when it is the time. They work hard, and they play doubly hard to reward themselves. At the last Malaysia election, I saw how the people were truly concern about their nation at the most basic level. It was not just about housing, not about the COE, nor the foreign talent. They wanted their right as the citizen of the country.

Personally, I felt the cost of living is higher than Singapore, and it is not by choice. A pair of working couple need to have two cars and with the housing loan, the monthly expenses are already higher than a couple in Singapore. Yes, dollar to dollar. 

I have started to become irritated when people start to say "Okay what, convert already about the same mah". 

Living and working in Malaysia means being paid in ringgit, and this is what is use to pay for daily expenses. This is not the same as a weekend getaway spending.

Hubby and I went grocery shopping about a month or two ago in a supermarket and I decided to photograph of some of the products in the supermarket and make my own comparison with the grocery in Singapore.

If we do not recall wrongly, we were at Aeon supermarket. The prices of the product listed on the top of the below comparison sheets are taken off from Fairprice.com.sg just yesterday's afternoon. I do have to state here that the price taken from Aeon could have been different already as to what I am posting now, but it should not be like a huge huge difference? There are, of course, periodic discounts which are shown for some of the products below.

Except for the Canola oil, which Malaysia has it in kilograms and Singapore in litres, the rest of the products are similar in terms of brand and quantity.

I had wanted to get the photo of some of the basic stuff like rice, shampoo etc. but I was not really that daring to keep taking photo in the supermarket...

Please try to squint your eyes to get a better look, especially for the top prices. Otherwise, the price is typed out separately at the bottom of each comparison for easier reference.

Kraft Hi-Calcium Singles Value pack: Top - SGD10.85, bottom - RM18.99
Pokka Oolong Tea: Top - SGD1.75, bottom - RM6.00

Coke: Top - SGD1.90, bottom - RM3.20
HL Milk: Top - SGD3.20, bottom - RM6.30

Japanese green tea: Top - SGD6.15, bottom - RM19.50
Canola oil: Top - SGD7.90, bottom - RM17.65

Definitely, some of the products after currency conversion, they are cheaper. Dollar to dollar, it is pretty obvious where the price stands.

Still, I think there is plenty to love in Malaysia - Nasi Lemak, Bakut Teh, the mountains, the beautiful beaches and many more. Last but not least, the people here. 

Missing home...

The last time I spent a nice, long time in KL home was more than a month ago? Thereafter life had been hectic, sleep had been elusive, and time seems to be running on 12 hours rather than 24.

Things have finally slowed down. Another journey, another phase of life is starting. 

For now, I am missing my hubby and Malaysia home... 

How are you?

Anyone watched "Friends with Money" before? 

I was running through some of the Chinese blog posts that I wrote a couple of years ago and came across this one that I really like; I wrote it after watching "Friends with Money". I translated the essence of the blog per below; the original blog post is available after the translated copy. 

The movie is about this teacher-turned-cleaner character who started feeling unsure of her future and, strangely of, her friends who had the money. Instead of this character, I rather enjoyed the story about one of her friends. 

This friend's life revolved around her husband and she completely lost herself after she was married. There was this scene where she burnt her hand, and her husband was right there when this happened. Instead of asking about her injury, he asked her about something else. 

She was obviously angry over his lack of concern. She asked if he seen her getting hurt, and his answer was a resounding yes. While he saw her getting injured, he felt that she should be alright since she did not complain about it. She was an adult, she should be able to express herself if she needed help. Right?

Of course she could. 

Her point, like most women, was really to find out if her husband cared enough to ask about her well being. 

If you are not hurt beyond the ability to move around, don't make a big deal out of it. If you are indeed hurt, and can fetch a plaster, please be a babe and do that and let me get on with my stuff. This is man. 

I am hurt. I am not dead, but can't you come over and take a look. I thought you love me? This is woman. 

Man's logic intelligence usually clashes with a woman's emotional intelligence. "1+1" is always "2", it could never be "11" like the way it could be to a woman. No one is right and no one is wrong. 

The last scene played out very aptly.

The wife was working in the room when she hurt her foot. Her helper, who was in the other room, shouted across to ask if she was alright. 

At that very moment, the wife finally understood how to move forward with their relationship. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

刚刚看完了一部蛮depressing的电影。故事环绕着四个女主角，四人都有她们的喜与悲。 一人因为找不到那种快乐的感觉而拒绝洗头（够怪吧…）；她觉得洗了还是会脏，那就算了 - 别洗了，等我找到快乐再说。另一个没有什么人生目标，因为她还对已婚的男友念念不忘，从教师变成了清洁女佣（我没排斥清洁女佣，我只是在叙述故事内容）。第三主人翁继承了一大笔遗产，有钱应该没什么忧愁，对吧？别做梦了，是人就有烦恼 － 她和老公都不能好好地处理婚姻和当个称职的父母。最后的这主角，也是我这文章的主题来源，结了婚后，失去了自我，以老公为中心。她搞不懂她与丈夫存在着的是什么关系。

比如有一场戏；她烧伤了手，丈夫看到了但却问她另一件事；对她的伤默默不问。她生气地问丈夫是否看到她受伤了，丈夫说看到了。她便问到：

“那么你为什么不问我还好吗？”

“你既然能这么问，你的伤就应该没什么大问题。你的伤现在很严重吗？”

“我的伤没大碍但是你看到到我受伤了，对吗？" 

"是的。"

“那么你为什么不问？”

“因为你明显没事！你这么大的人了，有事不会说吗？”

“我会，但是我只是想知道你是否还关心我。”

丈夫生气地走开了；当时妻子感觉到他们的婚姻没法再维持下去了。

是丈夫过度理性化，还是妻子太过敏感？是丈夫太过漠不关心，还是妻子过度在乎？

夫妻不就是该夫唱妇随或妇唱夫随吗？就算知道事情再小，问候一句也不算过分吧？我当然不鼓励敏感或是无谓地在乎，但是若夫妻间没有那种外人不能参与的关心与照顾，那么不就做朋友好了咯…干嘛要结婚？好玩啊？还是嫌钱多？

戏没给这对夫妻的关系一个明确的交代。故事结尾时，妻子正在房里工作，站了起来却敲到了脚，疼叫了一声。楼下的佣人听到了，问了一声“你还好吗？”。

顿时，妻子愣了一下，似乎领悟了他们夫妻间的关系应该怎么了结。

Spectator Mood

It had been one hot month.

It has been a crazy month too. When life tries to get a pace faster, everything just fly by. To a point, I am simply beyond concern of how things would turn out; I am simply letting life takes its course.

When doing my best became insufficient, I tried to get out of my participating mood, and looked on from the side as a spectator. When I expect the least, I hope life can take a turn and let me breathe.

Mammotone

Following the scan in Dec, a small lump was picked up in my right breast. Two of my aunties were diagnosed with breast cancer, hence I decided to seek doctor opinion.

I was introduced to Dr. Joy Lee whose clinic is located at Mount Alvernia. She is a Breast and General Surgeon, a very nice lady who is in her forties. She picked up another lump when she did a detail scan at her clinic. The scaredy-cat me decided to have them remove even though Dr. Lee said we could monitor the lumps instead. Dr. Lee said she should be able to remove the lumps through a day surgery known as "Mammotone".

I told Hubs of the day surgery and was hoping fervently that he could be here though I know it was highly impossible. I knew this was not going to be a major operation and I should be able to go and return home on my own; it was just that having hubby next to me would be comforting.

In any case, I started to prepare for the procedure and many of these were done in the event that if I need to be hospitalised. I cut my hair, did a facial to clear out the current pimples and went to the library to get some books for the next few days.

Treasures from NLB

The surgery was done at Mount Alvernia Hospital as I did my last two surgeries there too. I am pretty happy with the service and have no reason to move to another hospital. After the admission procedure was completed, I was brought to the day surgery waiting room. I handed over my valuables and was in the operating gown, sitting and waiting. 

I might sound a bit psychotic but I do always kind of enjoy the process of a surgery. I had three surgeries so far. The operating room theatre nurses were all very nice and motherly, and today I found out that they had this warm blanket (which was not there the last two times) blowing hot air! Having so many people fussing over you was kind of the best out of a not-preferred situation. 

The nurses turned me onto my left side and used something to support me from the back. A nurse was also standing at my right side, supporting me and telling me what was being done. Next, the nurse prepped me by sterilising my right breast, and once Dr. Lee came into the theatre, she did a scan to mark the position of the two lumps. She told me she would try to extract both lumps together so that I would have one scar less. After the marking, I was given a local anesthetic and she did some tests to make sure the area was numbed properly. I continued to lay on my side during the entire surgery.

Whatever that happened next was kind of a blur because I did not have my contact lens on. I saw a long and thick needle, similar to BBQ skewer. But what caught my attention was the sound of this needle / equipment. It sounded so much like an electric chainsaw though it was definitely softer. This needle would be the instrument to cut out the lumps. The nurse supporting my back must have seen my expression because she started to reassure me that it would not be painful. 

Dr. Lee prepped me for each step that she was taking. She told me she would make an incision, and thereafter she would be pushing the needle in for the extraction. I felt a slight push against my breast and slowly the pressure increased. Dr. Lee told me to bear with it but she also commented this surgery was considered a lot more gentle when compared to my pneumothorax day surgeries. Once the needle was in, Dr. Lee started to position and push the needle so that she would be able to position the needle and extract the two lumps together at the same time. She constantly looked at the scanner monitor to check on the positioning of the instrument (needle). 

Once the lumps were located, Dr. Lee started to cut the lumps with the needle. The cutting sounded like, ka-ka-ka. It felt weird, hearing but not feeling anything. The lumps were shown to me; they looked like fatty bacon strips; white and puny. Dr. Lee did a scan to make sure everything was taken out before she sewed me up. 

She told me the mammotone went well and all the lumps were extracted and sent for biopsy. She proceeded to wrap my chest up with pressure bandage. I was given instructions not to wet the bandage and to leave the bandage on for 24 hours. The bandage was pretty tight and it was a little itchy, but then again, I was just grateful to have the lumps out. The procedure took slightly less than an hour, and I was sent back to the day surgery resting room to rest and have something light. 

Hot tea is always so comforting...

Both my brother and sister offered to pick me up after the surgery but a girlfriend had also made arrangement to come. And since she was in the vicinity, I went home with her. 

While I acknowledge life is never a bed of roses, but I always like to think that whatever happens, happens for a reason. If I am to be gone at this instant, I think I am content to go without much of regret.